I begrudgingly watched the most recent fix in the teen-girl saga Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1. I’ve never seen any of the other movies nor read the books, but just this once, I decided to feed the machine.
Leading up to Bella and Edwards fantasy wedding, the film is as slow moving as the red syrup they use for fake-blood. We watch Bella worry, and worry a little more, then finally put on a wedding dress. She looks good, we get it, now can they finally do it already?
I was surprised by her parents. It’s hard in this movie to tell who is related and which characters are dating who. I finally figured out who her parents were, and they seemed to not really care. I wonder if 18 years of putting up with Bella would make any parent apathetic. The audience is constantly asking themselves what the redeamable qualities of Bella are. Oh, you’re a 150-year-old blood sucking monster who’s obsessed with my whiny, annoying daughter? Sounds good, cheers to the happy couple.
So anyways, she is handed off, and has the longest most slobbery wedding kiss imaginable. Bella looks pretty for about 10 more minutes, and then…
THEY DO IT!
But you see nothing. The next day, a bed is torn to shit and there are feathers everywhere. And bam, she’s pregnant. One shot one kill. Not only does her new hubby sparkle in the sunlight, but he’s dangerously potent. The honeymoon is over.
They only had sex one night and now she is carrying Rosemary’s baby. This, in my opinion, is the traditionalist mormon views of the author Stephanie Meyer coming through in the plot. She is scaring little girls away from intimacy. Even post marital sex will leave you pregnant, therefore punished. Sorry Bella, now you’re about to be crushed from the inside out by your demon vampire child. Shouldn’t have been such a slut.
So after only 2 or 3 weeks have passed, she already looks 9 months pregnant. Huge belly and sickly, grey cheeks. For plot convenience, the demon baby grows horrifyingly fast. Bella hasn’t seen any of her family or friends and is hiding out in the vampire house with a frown on her sunken in face (as usual). Edward is being a mean jerk, and Jacob, the werewolf love interest that has stalked her throughout the series, is mad about something. Bella is dying and pregnant, keeping her in the lovely victim position. Everyone is protecting her, and everyone feels sorry for her. As usual.
Bella says, “If its a boy, EJ. For Edward Jacob.”
(hold your laugh for the next name)
“And if it’s a girl, Renesmee.”
Bella, you pick kid names like a fucking dickhead.
Finally, in a gruesome birthing scene, the demon baby is born. But it’s not a demon at all, its a normal little baby girl. The baby is half human and half vampire, not sure what that means but I assume she will grow until she’s hot, and then live forever.