Film / Popcorn Culture

Twilight: The One Where They Do It

Spoiler Alert!

I begrudgingly watched the most recent fix in the teen-girl saga Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1. I’ve never seen any of the other movies nor read the books, but just this once, I decided to feed the machine.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Leading up to Bella and Edwards fantasy wedding, the film is as slow moving as the red syrup they use for fake-blood. We watch Bella worry, and worry a little more, then finally put on a wedding dress. She looks good, we get it, now can they finally do it already?

I was surprised by her parents. It’s hard in this movie to tell who is related and which characters are dating who. I finally figured out who her parents were, and they seemed to not really care. I wonder if 18 years of putting up with Bella would make any parent apathetic. The audience is constantly asking themselves what the redeamable qualities of Bella are. Oh, you’re a 150-year-old blood sucking monster who’s obsessed with my whiny, annoying daughter? Sounds good, cheers to the happy couple.

So anyways, she is handed off, and has the longest most slobbery wedding kiss imaginable. Bella looks pretty for about 10 more minutes, and then…

THEY DO IT!

But you see nothing. The next day, a bed is torn to shit and there are feathers everywhere. And bam, she’s pregnant. One shot one kill. Not only does her new hubby sparkle in the sunlight, but he’s dangerously potent. The honeymoon is over.

They only had sex one night and now she is carrying Rosemary’s baby. This, in my opinion, is the traditionalist mormon views of the author Stephanie Meyer coming through in the plot. She is scaring little girls away from intimacy. Even post marital sex will leave you pregnant, therefore punished. Sorry Bella, now you’re about to be crushed from the inside out by your demon vampire child. Shouldn’t have been such a slut.

So after only 2 or 3 weeks have passed, she already looks 9 months pregnant. Huge belly and sickly, grey cheeks. For plot convenience, the demon baby grows horrifyingly fast. Bella hasn’t seen any of her family or friends and is hiding out in the vampire house with a frown on her sunken in face (as usual). Edward is being a mean jerk, and Jacob, the werewolf love interest that has stalked her throughout the series, is mad about something. Bella is dying and pregnant, keeping her in the lovely victim position. Everyone is protecting her, and everyone feels sorry for her. As usual.

Bella says, “If its a boy, EJ. For Edward Jacob.”

(hold your laugh for the next name)

“And if it’s a girl, Renesmee.”

Bella, you pick kid names like a fucking dickhead.

Finally, in a gruesome birthing scene, the demon baby is born. But it’s not a demon at all, its a normal little baby girl. The baby is half human and half vampire, not sure what that means but I assume she will grow until she’s hot, and then live forever.

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2 thoughts on “Twilight: The One Where They Do It

  1. This post had me laughing at quite a few points. I too, think that these movies are the dumbest, most pointless, waste of two hours that I have ever seen. I have seen the first movie; and when it was finished I was totally annoyed that I had just wasted that much time of my life on that snooze fest. What the heck is everyone so obsessed with these movies for?… I don’t think either of the guys are HOT; like everyone else; as they debate over Team Jacob or Team Edward. I would never waste my time reading the books either– I really enjoyed your commentary on the movie because I can totally relate and find these movies quite pathetic! Thanks for the warning not to waste my time on the last one; when nothing new nor entertaining happens.

  2. I love your point of view here of not having seen any of the previous movies or read the books of the Twilight series. I have read all of the books and seen the first 2 movies and have to say that I am over all of the hype this is receiving. Apparently, since the author of the books is Mormon, she does not describe or show the sex scene because of her religious values. BUT it is obvious that they had sex (after marriage of course), and extremely violent sex at that. I’m not too sure what to think of this, but apparently Edward is so turned on by Bella that he just can’t control himself. You’re comments about naming the baby is too funny. If I were Edward, I would be totally pissed that Bella would want to name my son after my enemy and my wife’s other love interest, Jacob.

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